Dear Mom,
I am filled with grief, depression, guilt. I miss you so much. I feel cheated. I don't understand why this had to happen. You are the only one I can call about anything and you were taken from me. I worry about Dad in that house. I am jealous when I see mothers and daughters together. I want to call you - but instead have to go to your grave. YOUR GRAVE! I look for signs of you everywhere. I pray all the time that God will allow me to feel your presence. Where are you Mom? I need you! You were always on my side when I would call you and cry about stupid stuff!
I know that if get to the temple I will get the peace that I am so desperate for. When I ask Heavenly Father to please let me have a moment with you..I feel in my heart I could if I went to the temple. Roberta and Bradley have both shared their experience. I know I can count on Roberta to go with me when I am ready. I just don't know how long its going to take..and that frustrates me. My poor Nathan hasn't even been baptized because I can't take another big family event with you not there.
I cry so much and often that it doesn't even affect the boys anymore. They just go on about their business. I am so proud of the way they take care of their Grandpa. One day when I was taking them over to stay with Dad I thanked them for all the time they have spent with him since Grandma died. "Grandma can have more fun in Heaven if Grandpa is being taken care of." They want to make sure of that.
I hope you know that you are loved and missed. When I think of you in heaven I imagine you looking like you did when you were young and had that big hair! Beautiful angel.
I remember how you were such a fan of Princess Diana..I wonder if you are bff's in heaven! When Prince William got married I wondered if you were watching with Princess Diana!
I imagine you laughing and carrying on with friends that passed before you..especially Laura Brown.
I think of Grandma and how when she died something in you clicked off. Oh how happy you must be to be reuinted with her! You were always best friends. In my mind I can see you hugging and hear grandma's joyus laugh to have her daughter back with her! I imagine you two running all over the place doing girlfriend stuff. I worry that the grief Dad, my sisters, and I are feeling is messing up your good time.
I think about how it will probably be at least 30 years before I see you again and it breaks my heart.
I love you Mom. I still need you.
Love,
Wendy
